Somehow or another...
It would seem that recent events have pushed you closer to that person...
And now, you who I'd thought I could trust the most... You have become the most major obstacle between that person and myself. Why... Why did I have to introduce you to that person?
Why do you seemingly exist for no reason but to take away what I hold closest to my heart?
You bastard.
To think I could trust you... and now you would slowly steal away the only thing I hold so dearly to myself...
I don't want to think about you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to acknowledge you, I don't want to forgive you, I don't want to even think of you...
You bastard...
BEGONE, AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. COWARD WHO WON'T EVEN SEE ME FACE TO FACE.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A Cacophony of Emotions
Deep down... somewhere... A part of me, a hopeful part of me... a sane, clear, pristine part of me wanted to believe, knew somehow that despite everything that was happening... they were meeting up to prepare for my birthday...
But the beast broke through the chains then.
It tore apart the gentle facade that was trying to calm things...
And it overtook me.
But... but his silence, everything... and his initial message... I'd believed he had told him everything... and yet... but... but the scene that greeted me that fateful day... as though they'd just invited me as an afterthought... the feeling of being the one left out...
... It was just so overwhelming.
And... and even if he had no intention of being so, the more that person gets involved...
The more I feel as though I should never have introduced him...
Never should have let them both meet.
For it only becomes that he's becoming more and more of an obstacle between us, a barrier... I know its unfair, but if he threatens the tenuous peace I've obtained so newly... then he is a threat I cannot afford to leave alone. I don't care if it hurts him... Why does it always have to be you and him? Why can't you see that I'm bleeding from the inside out as well... Struggling so desperately and just... just hurting so much and trying... trying to pick myself up again. It just hurts so much sometimes...
... that you two only care about how others feel but not me...
But... but everything went according to plan, and perhaps even more so today...
The movie... Drag Me To Hell, was alright... though the he didn't really like it i guess... but the shopping and meal that followed... a semblance, and yet something of a shadow of what was possible before...
I blame him, of course... for casting a shadow on that day, ruining it even before it began, even if he did it unknowingly and unwillingly.
Leave him out of this.
If you have anything you wish to say, come straight to me.
And I do not regret what I've written. I do not care that or feel the pain I am causing you, so drowned in my own. It was my true, feelings then, the yells that tore through my heart, my soul... everything.
I... feel... NOTHING.
But the beast broke through the chains then.
It tore apart the gentle facade that was trying to calm things...
And it overtook me.
But... but his silence, everything... and his initial message... I'd believed he had told him everything... and yet... but... but the scene that greeted me that fateful day... as though they'd just invited me as an afterthought... the feeling of being the one left out...
... It was just so overwhelming.
And... and even if he had no intention of being so, the more that person gets involved...
The more I feel as though I should never have introduced him...
Never should have let them both meet.
For it only becomes that he's becoming more and more of an obstacle between us, a barrier... I know its unfair, but if he threatens the tenuous peace I've obtained so newly... then he is a threat I cannot afford to leave alone. I don't care if it hurts him... Why does it always have to be you and him? Why can't you see that I'm bleeding from the inside out as well... Struggling so desperately and just... just hurting so much and trying... trying to pick myself up again. It just hurts so much sometimes...
... that you two only care about how others feel but not me...
But... but everything went according to plan, and perhaps even more so today...
The movie... Drag Me To Hell, was alright... though the he didn't really like it i guess... but the shopping and meal that followed... a semblance, and yet something of a shadow of what was possible before...
I blame him, of course... for casting a shadow on that day, ruining it even before it began, even if he did it unknowingly and unwillingly.
Leave him out of this.
If you have anything you wish to say, come straight to me.
And I do not regret what I've written. I do not care that or feel the pain I am causing you, so drowned in my own. It was my true, feelings then, the yells that tore through my heart, my soul... everything.
I... feel... NOTHING.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Trust
I do not trust you any more...
You... You...
Perhaps you thought that what you did was for the best, but no... No...
If I can't even trust you to listen to me... To just listen... then so be it...
I will never forgive you.
YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LISTEN AND NOT STICKING YOUR FUCKING NOSE WHERE IT DIDN'T BELONG. Stop stealing what time I have with that person. Please. GET THE FUCK OUT. You betrayed me. And to think I counted you within my closest few. Bastard. Mother fucking son of a fucking bitch... Get out of my life. Go talk to a wall. Just... Just stay out of my way.
Even if you ever do hope to come back... You and I, myself and that person are two entirely different social circles never to mix. Get out. Go away. And never even think of coming back.
You... You...
Perhaps you thought that what you did was for the best, but no... No...
If I can't even trust you to listen to me... To just listen... then so be it...
I will never forgive you.
YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO FUCKING LISTEN AND NOT STICKING YOUR FUCKING NOSE WHERE IT DIDN'T BELONG. Stop stealing what time I have with that person. Please. GET THE FUCK OUT. You betrayed me. And to think I counted you within my closest few. Bastard. Mother fucking son of a fucking bitch... Get out of my life. Go talk to a wall. Just... Just stay out of my way.
Even if you ever do hope to come back... You and I, myself and that person are two entirely different social circles never to mix. Get out. Go away. And never even think of coming back.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Fragments of a Past Long Gone...
It isn't the first time I've been smashed into a hundred thousand little fragments... And it most definitely will not be the last... But no matter how many times I'm shattered, no matter how deeply I'm cut as I pick them up, no matter how many times it collapses when it seems I'm almost done... Somehow... somehow I piece them back together again...
No two forms will ever be the same... the present me will always be different from the past me... The pieces rearrange themselves... in patterns never to be repeated...
And yet... and yet I can't help but feel that I lose parts of myself as the process goes on... fragments lost and gone forever...
The void grows... The gaps those pieces leave behind grow ever more obvious...
Will I be lost, one day, I wonder... Will I decay, wear away, and lose so much that eventually... eventually I no longer am myself? This emptiness I feel... the gaps that remain...
I...
I'm afraid of losing myself...
No two forms will ever be the same... the present me will always be different from the past me... The pieces rearrange themselves... in patterns never to be repeated...
And yet... and yet I can't help but feel that I lose parts of myself as the process goes on... fragments lost and gone forever...
The void grows... The gaps those pieces leave behind grow ever more obvious...
Will I be lost, one day, I wonder... Will I decay, wear away, and lose so much that eventually... eventually I no longer am myself? This emptiness I feel... the gaps that remain...
I...
I'm afraid of losing myself...
Monday, June 8, 2009
It hurts... It just hurts so much...
It hurts... It really does hurt... And it hurts all the more when you try to be kind... I can't recover as quickly as you do... not after being smashed into a hundred thousand pieces... I can't seem to put myself back together properly this time... I just... It just hurts so badly... These tears won't stop coming... I just want to go to sleep and never wake up... honestly, truthfully, and seriously... It just... hurts so much when you're kind... or when you're trying to be kind... It's like a wound reacting to a knife... I just... It just hurts so bad... And there is no one who can help me, no one who i can say it out entirely, truthfully and totally to... No one...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
My First, My Nearest, My Dearest
I find myself resorting to this pathetic state, this strange habit of yelling everything out to something, someone... just so that I can remain sane, that it would make the pain easier to bear, the despair less cumbersome, the solitude more acceptable...
But know this...
I would never choose anyone else over you. No group, no matter how big, no situation, no matter how painstaking, no day, no matter how sudden or how far... I will be here for you. This was my first, and my sincerest promise. I love you. There is no other way around it.
You may forsake me for many, you may push me away over and over, I can never hope to be as important to you as you are to me, and you will never smile at me as you do to them... Never have fun with me as you always do with them, always have company that you never be alone, never be bored, never ever have to rely on someone entirely as I did... That my tears, my feelings, my sadness, my sorrow, my loneliness, that you would never feel it... You would never understand it, you would never let me affect you... That everything that is near and dear to me is nothing to you...
But know this...
You are my first, my nearest, and my dearest. I will never forget you, I will never forsake you, I will always be here for you, and... and perhaps someday when you look back when I am gone forever... You will think fondly of me, and perhaps understand the things I did, the pain I caused, the pain I felt and the feelings I felt.
But know this...
I would never choose anyone else over you. No group, no matter how big, no situation, no matter how painstaking, no day, no matter how sudden or how far... I will be here for you. This was my first, and my sincerest promise. I love you. There is no other way around it.
You may forsake me for many, you may push me away over and over, I can never hope to be as important to you as you are to me, and you will never smile at me as you do to them... Never have fun with me as you always do with them, always have company that you never be alone, never be bored, never ever have to rely on someone entirely as I did... That my tears, my feelings, my sadness, my sorrow, my loneliness, that you would never feel it... You would never understand it, you would never let me affect you... That everything that is near and dear to me is nothing to you...
But know this...
You are my first, my nearest, and my dearest. I will never forget you, I will never forsake you, I will always be here for you, and... and perhaps someday when you look back when I am gone forever... You will think fondly of me, and perhaps understand the things I did, the pain I caused, the pain I felt and the feelings I felt.
Then Go Talk to a Wall
I've always wondered why people would want to blog, to expose themselves, their lives, their thoughts and their feelings to the great, vast unknown... knowing others will look at it, judge them from it, learn of them, their thoughts, their feelings, their very being... and yet also knowing that one might as well be talking to a dark void, a wall, yes...
Perhaps I understand now... How there are somethings, that you just want to yell out loud into the deep unknown, The cries of a desperate soul, the passionate yells of feelings too strong to withhold...
As much as it is frowned upon, monologues are perhaps one of the best ways of self-reflection... To look at oneself from a distant and seperated point of view... To consider yourself as a third person, to discuss, run through and perhaps try to see yourself as though you were someone else... A sign of insanity perhaps, or the musings of a lonely soul which no one can truly understand.
Who knew talking to a wall could be so comforting?
Perhaps I understand now... How there are somethings, that you just want to yell out loud into the deep unknown, The cries of a desperate soul, the passionate yells of feelings too strong to withhold...
As much as it is frowned upon, monologues are perhaps one of the best ways of self-reflection... To look at oneself from a distant and seperated point of view... To consider yourself as a third person, to discuss, run through and perhaps try to see yourself as though you were someone else... A sign of insanity perhaps, or the musings of a lonely soul which no one can truly understand.
Who knew talking to a wall could be so comforting?
- Squall: What am I supposed to say about other people's problems?
- Quistis: I'm not asking you to say anything. I just want you to listen.
- Squall: Then go talk to a wall.
The Whisperings of the Beast Within...
Within me slumbers a beast that is barely kept chained, another me who i attempt to suppress at any cost... Any moment. And yet... the whispers... the whispers eat away at my will, my strength, my sanity, it fills me with the dark void of doubt and despair, drives me time and time again against the walls of my mind, the cage of my sanity...
"YOU WOULD BE SACRIFICED WILLINGLY FOR THEIR SAKE'
'YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RELEGATED TO SECOND PLACE'
'YOU WILL NEVER BE WHAT YOU DESIRE'
'WHY TRY WHEN YOU HAVE NO HOPE TO BEGIN WITH'
'NO ONE CARES, NO ONE SEES, NO ONE BOTHERS'
'THAT PERSON WILL NEVER SEE YOU AS YOU SEE HIM'
'YOUR EFFORTS ARE FUTILE'
'THAT PERSON WILL NEVER BE TO YOU WHAT YOU STRIVE TO BE TO THAT PERSON'
My every waking moment is haunted by these tormented whisperings... Unless I keep my mind busy, unless I keep myself occupied, these whispers will undoubtedly reach me. Moments of weakness, moments of sadness, the vast divide between sleeping and waking, waking and sleeping, moments of solitude, moments of reflection... all these threaten to overwhelm me, to sink me deeper into the vast darkness that seems to seep unendingly from the darkest recesses of my heart. I don't want to lose everything. I don't want to lose myself...
So I chain it, incarcerate it within chains formed from memories of the past... the only things that tie me down, anchor me, and give me strength to face the painful present and the uncertain future... But even then... the past holds memories that are painful too... Ones that I cannot entirely ommit... The chains weaken then... and the beast stirs.
"YOU WOULD BE SACRIFICED WILLINGLY FOR THEIR SAKE'
'YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RELEGATED TO SECOND PLACE'
'YOU WILL NEVER BE WHAT YOU DESIRE'
'WHY TRY WHEN YOU HAVE NO HOPE TO BEGIN WITH'
'NO ONE CARES, NO ONE SEES, NO ONE BOTHERS'
'THAT PERSON WILL NEVER SEE YOU AS YOU SEE HIM'
'YOUR EFFORTS ARE FUTILE'
'THAT PERSON WILL NEVER BE TO YOU WHAT YOU STRIVE TO BE TO THAT PERSON'
My every waking moment is haunted by these tormented whisperings... Unless I keep my mind busy, unless I keep myself occupied, these whispers will undoubtedly reach me. Moments of weakness, moments of sadness, the vast divide between sleeping and waking, waking and sleeping, moments of solitude, moments of reflection... all these threaten to overwhelm me, to sink me deeper into the vast darkness that seems to seep unendingly from the darkest recesses of my heart. I don't want to lose everything. I don't want to lose myself...
So I chain it, incarcerate it within chains formed from memories of the past... the only things that tie me down, anchor me, and give me strength to face the painful present and the uncertain future... But even then... the past holds memories that are painful too... Ones that I cannot entirely ommit... The chains weaken then... and the beast stirs.
A New Beginning
I begin this entry to commemorate perhaps a birth of a new me... One who will chain up the beast within me for good, to free my heart and my soul from the ravages of the beast... While the wound still hurts, the pain lingers... That he would look at me in that manner, that he would think of me with naught but negative emotions, that I had resorted to emotional blackmail... Truly hurts me, that perhaps it was all lost...
But I seek to start anew, that was our agreement. I never wanted to lose him, nor did I ever mean to cause him such pain as well... So wrapped up in myself, so desperate at chasing him did it seem as though I had driven him into a corner... I must have faith in him. I must believe that in him, somewhere, he would be willing to make an effort to, and that he will make the first move out of his own volition, abd not feel obligated to... That we can return to the days when we both truly had fun and could smile...
Those days are lost forever, but the future is not yet written.
Till the new page begins in proper, I will use those feelings to anchor me down. To give me strength to fight through these tears, to endure the pain, to wait... pray, and hope.
But one thing... one thing struck a chord, and one that feels me with some light despite the encrouching walls of darkness... That he would never forget the things I have done for him. And that he really does appreciate it. It is in our terms that I promise to begin anew, to ensure the beast remains chained, to open myself up, to be Shaftiel, myself who am free of bounds and chains... That is the promise I made... and from him? From him I only request that we begin anew, from square one, a clean slate... That I be given another chance... And that one day, he'd look at me without such negative feelings and thoughts... I cannot lose my only light.
But I seek to start anew, that was our agreement. I never wanted to lose him, nor did I ever mean to cause him such pain as well... So wrapped up in myself, so desperate at chasing him did it seem as though I had driven him into a corner... I must have faith in him. I must believe that in him, somewhere, he would be willing to make an effort to, and that he will make the first move out of his own volition, abd not feel obligated to... That we can return to the days when we both truly had fun and could smile...
Those days are lost forever, but the future is not yet written.
Till the new page begins in proper, I will use those feelings to anchor me down. To give me strength to fight through these tears, to endure the pain, to wait... pray, and hope.
But one thing... one thing struck a chord, and one that feels me with some light despite the encrouching walls of darkness... That he would never forget the things I have done for him. And that he really does appreciate it. It is in our terms that I promise to begin anew, to ensure the beast remains chained, to open myself up, to be Shaftiel, myself who am free of bounds and chains... That is the promise I made... and from him? From him I only request that we begin anew, from square one, a clean slate... That I be given another chance... And that one day, he'd look at me without such negative feelings and thoughts... I cannot lose my only light.
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