I begin this entry to commemorate perhaps a birth of a new me... One who will chain up the beast within me for good, to free my heart and my soul from the ravages of the beast... While the wound still hurts, the pain lingers... That he would look at me in that manner, that he would think of me with naught but negative emotions, that I had resorted to emotional blackmail... Truly hurts me, that perhaps it was all lost...
But I seek to start anew, that was our agreement. I never wanted to lose him, nor did I ever mean to cause him such pain as well... So wrapped up in myself, so desperate at chasing him did it seem as though I had driven him into a corner... I must have faith in him. I must believe that in him, somewhere, he would be willing to make an effort to, and that he will make the first move out of his own volition, abd not feel obligated to... That we can return to the days when we both truly had fun and could smile...
Those days are lost forever, but the future is not yet written.
Till the new page begins in proper, I will use those feelings to anchor me down. To give me strength to fight through these tears, to endure the pain, to wait... pray, and hope.
But one thing... one thing struck a chord, and one that feels me with some light despite the encrouching walls of darkness... That he would never forget the things I have done for him. And that he really does appreciate it. It is in our terms that I promise to begin anew, to ensure the beast remains chained, to open myself up, to be Shaftiel, myself who am free of bounds and chains... That is the promise I made... and from him? From him I only request that we begin anew, from square one, a clean slate... That I be given another chance... And that one day, he'd look at me without such negative feelings and thoughts... I cannot lose my only light.
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