My First, My Nearest, My Dearest

I find myself resorting to this pathetic state, this strange habit of yelling everything out to something, someone... just so that I can remain sane, that it would make the pain easier to bear, the despair less cumbersome, the solitude more acceptable...

But know this...

I would never choose anyone else over you. No group, no matter how big, no situation, no matter how painstaking, no day, no matter how sudden or how far... I will be here for you. This was my first, and my sincerest promise. I love you. There is no other way around it.

You may forsake me for many, you may push me away over and over, I can never hope to be as important to you as you are to me, and you will never smile at me as you do to them... Never have fun with me as you always do with them, always have company that you never be alone, never be bored, never ever have to rely on someone entirely as I did... That my tears, my feelings, my sadness, my sorrow, my loneliness, that you would never feel it... You would never understand it, you would never let me affect you... That everything that is near and dear to me is nothing to you...

But know this...

You are my first, my nearest, and my dearest. I will never forget you, I will never forsake you, I will always be here for you, and... and perhaps someday when you look back when I am gone forever... You will think fondly of me, and perhaps understand the things I did, the pain I caused, the pain I felt and the feelings I felt.